Mentally Disoriented
I don’t think I should be making this post, but yeah I’m making it. *Confused* Well, I seriously do not know where my life stands right now, and where or what my aim or target is anymore.
Used to had an ambition, forensic science, was astounded when I was to be told, after I graduated Grade 11 – November 2008, I would be heading to Canada for further studies. Disastrously, none of them worked out, been waiting pessimistically as I later found out my dad couldn’t financially afford my studies in Canada which he could’ve basically told me earlier.
Meanwhile, in Taiwan on May 2009, my mom fall sick with diabetes. After knowing that I’d not be able to go to Canada to pursue with my studies, I’d left Sep 2009 to see & take care of my mom and actually have had 90% of my enthusiasm in studies surrendered. As my mom gets better, I got into the Pool team here, started training, getting work, etc. And actually, I was pretty motivated & passionate in my pool career and I genuinely thought of working all the way with it and just leave it as, “I’d never had the luck to study”.
While I’m all over pool in December 2009 and improving so much due to so much dedication, heart and effort put into training. My dad told me, he can let me go to Canada and can sort out the money and everything(What is this? Move me to another direction(hopeless), then now want to shove me back with his discretion?). I told him that I’d not put anything at stake for his unstable ability to do things.
So I kept on training and training, and thought I’d keep training and all, however on the same time, my coach and some pool friends advised me to not give up my education just because of pool. So in case if I do not 100% succeed in it, I can work on what I’ve gain from education. On Feb 2010 I then decided to work on getting into a school in Taiwan instead, while trying to get a student visa(as they do not accept PR visa). Which is very burdensome as I own a Brunei Passport(Its not even a Passport, only main citizen(yellow IC) gets national passport). And while working on it and all, I have a lot of free time in between but I didn’t decide to go back to training or work, because I’d thought if I get back to training, if the immigration or the university needs some documents(I can tell you its a lot of hassle), I’d need to take a few days off to sort things out. And I’m afraid the coach’d think,”Who do you think you are? You come when you want, and don’t come when you don’t want. Do you think its your house?”
So just because being afraid of my coach thinking that way, I’ve neglected pool for 4 months, no work(I’m sure the employers mad too). And my coach have no idea that I’m already in Taiwan and might think I’m gone for good. Now I’m back into the webmaster world like before(while waiting for Canada), wasting time on the PC and shits and revenue is freaking low. And I do not know when’s right to get back to Pool, and I cannot ensure if the university will accept me, as I am not being able to read chinese, which I’d need to take extra tuition classes for catching up. And I also do not know, if the Mandarin Tuition School will accept me either. And if everything starts, will I be able to work on Pool later? Or if nothing works, isn’t it all the time and money spent working on it gone and will my coach or employer want me back? And if all mentioned works, will I be able to manage my sites that I’m working on now?
Too much questions that needs to be answered, I’m confused and felt everything in my life are filled with flusters. :S
However, I’m writing this post just because I’d thought some should know what I’m going through and I didn’t blame my parents for fucking all things up as I myself chose to put my life on their hands before which I wouldn’t do so anymore, cause its better to make the wrong decisions by yourself, then to believe someone and letting them make the wrong decision for you. 